The Perfect Storm

Holy shit it's been 8 days since I blogged. So no, I haven't been writing most days.

I actually have been keeping up my lil spreadsheet pretty well. Not amazing results, but hey, there's still 343 days left in the year. You want the good news first, or the bad?

The actually kind of amazing news is that I'm still a nonsmoker. After my last post I felt like a loser, even though I only had one, but god, I could only make it THREE DAYS. Bleah. So then on Friday I got drunk with Bridget and Kevs in celebration of Kevs getting to keep his job, and afterwards Bridg and I shared my 1/2 'emergency' cigarette. Other than that, no smokes for me. Just the sweet, sweet patch. Which I did without one day and was relatively ok. But I'd prefer to keep it glued to me for the time being. :)

So, exercising, meh. Hit or miss. I should probably start weighing myself but it's so fucking depressing I can hardly stand it. The good news is that all of 2010 I was at an all-time LOW on exercise, so any little bit is good these days. I would say I've definitely been more active this year so far, but I'd liek to truly put in some hours doing exercise for the sake of exercise.

All the other things, eating between meals, checking the bank book, playing bass, writing, etc... they've all been kinda fucked up the past few days due to

THE ATLANTA SNOWPOCALYPSE.

Sunday night it started to snow and it came down hard and gigantic. Maybe 3-4 inches. Then Monday morning it started to sleet and formed a giant ice crust and it hasn't really been above freezing much since. It's Wednesday night and we've all been locked in the house pretty much since then. Kevs and I haven't ventured out much since Saturday, but the kids at least went to Mom's Saturday night and most of the day Sunday. CABIN FEVER.

Here are some things that make me fail at being organized and most other goals:
* uncertain schedule
* time off from work
* nicotine withdrawal
* PMS

Also note they make me very cranky, so some of the time since Friday has been most unpleasant for all involved. Saturday I spent a lot of time screaming. The kids were driving me bonkers. I had massive PMS. I had horrid nicotine withdrawal. And the house was an utter shithole. Sunday I managed to get loads of cleaning and organizing done, and everything kind of abated after that. But I'm starting to feel like if we don't get out tomorrow things might get weird. I've been helping Kevs a lot with getting his etsy site up and running, and with kicking him in the ass to go get registered for a festival. I re-organized the kids room yet again and got Joseph involved. I cleaned many, many things. I've done a lot of cooking and cleaning. I reorganized the medicines and one of the cupboards. Wow, it's starting to sound like a lot less stuff now that I'm actually writing it down.

Not going outside makes me feel like I can't exercise. Being trapped in the house with food and snacks and making the boys food at their every whim knocks my eating off track. Not being at work makes me get out of the routine of checking my bank book and doing my spreadsheet and writing in my blog, as they are kind of chore-ish things. They say you're supposed to try and identify these types of triggers. I'm not sure why. So I can prevent them from having an effect? Yeah, right.

We saw Shrek 4 tonight and it was awesome. I loved the witches and the reference to Dorothy Hamilton.

Also, Bridget fwded me a link to a site where they have Dungen playing a Foreigner cover - "I Want To Know What Love Is." It's great. Here's a picture of the comment I left them. I love Dungen 4-ever. Some day I will go back in time and be a shitty Swedish teenager and stand outside their house with my iPhone and cry. I will be thin and beautiful but have no idea what to do with it except wear arm warmers and squeal and never have to pay for drinks.

Fail

I failed everything today. I figure my time was due. Four days is a pretty big commitment.

So Kevs is for sure losing his job now and I once again feel completely incapable. No bass playing. I ate about 7 pounds of chips and cheese when I went for a drink with Ed, which was in fact 3 drinks followed by a cigarette. With the patch on. No cleaning. I actually simply forgot to check my bank account because I knew I had not done anything in it. No exercise.

Kevs is my man. He's a dear, sweet man. But to be completely honest, he has some issues. It takes him a long time to do everything. He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. He has a massive work ethic and a very high ethical standard. There's just something very wrong, and sadly, I know it will take hima long time to get a steady job again. And it will take me a lot of work to help him. for which I will get no credit. I know, I should be primarily concerned for Kevs, and I'm trying. But when he's out of work it's me and the children who suffer. I'm irritated. No more drinking for me for a while. I can't stay off the cigs if I'm too tipsy.

Grrrrrr

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Starts With a Single Something

See, I think the bottom line is that I'm not convinced that 'little by little' ever actually gets you anywhere. I guess we'll see. I won't know until I try I suppose. I made a spreadsheet. I'm trying to keep it all very simple. Low overhead is the name of the game. Actually when I was pregnant with my younger son I kept this little written journal in which I wrote down all the good things I had done that day. It helped, but the goals were pretty different. Simply put, this is all about

GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER ON THE GRAND SCHEME.

I have certain battles in life. Everyone does. If I keep letting them go on and on without getting better, they will overcome me, and I will lose the war. I will die early, and broke, and etc.

So, become a robot. Form good habits.

I took a long walk today at lunch time. It was nice. I have the feeling I will sleep like a coma victim tonight. Not sure if I can do it again tomorrow, but I think I should be able to. I need more music, and more rocking music. I need more jams I can sink my teeth into and forget that I'm in motion.

Oh and hey if I can't do it tomorrow, FTW. I'll do something else. As long as I do something I'll be ok. And yes, laundry counts. It doesn't count as both cleaning and exercise, but it can count as exercise because folding a week's worth of laundry for 4 is no fucking joke.

I can't believe I'm somebody's Mom.

Richer. Thinner. Healthier.

Oh right, also it's New Year's Day! New Year, New Me. (grooooooaaaaaan)



I quit smoking today, so there's the first thing. I'm on the patch, and so far, so good. Oh yeah except I feel awful and I can't write for shit. But see the thing is, I have high blood pressure and I've been sick with a cold for 2 months, and I'm so tired of it. I've been told quitting smoking could help. See, that's a writing device called understatement. Funny.



Also I'm morbidly obese. I'm not afraid to write it publicly because anyone who knows me would have to be blind to not notice that. I've sort of come to terms with the social ramifications; I mean, not everyone finds voluptuous women repulsive, honestly. There's been no lack of play, ever. I can poke fun at myself, etc. I've been overweight almost my entire life, from toddlerhood on. The problem is that heart disease is looming and I have two tiny little boys. I want to be around when they are my age, and at this rate, I won't. No chance. My good friend Sally stated it best (right after I explained how at ease I am with myself) when she said, "There are no obese 70-year-olds". And she's right.

Oh and to make matters worse, at my last appointment my doctor told me I am borderline diabetic. Great.

So, there's all this shit, tons of emotional baggage and reasons behind the things I'm unhappy with in my life, and I've gone through literally decades of thinking and reasoning and understanding why, but the bottom line is that it all needs to change. I asked my shrink how. This is not the first time I've asked a mental health professional, btw. To paraphrase, he said I understand it intellectually, probably better than he does or many other mental health folks, but it's not a matter of intellect. I wandered away with a big question mark over my head, and then Bridget explained that I need to just become a robot. Just fucking do it like every other loser on the fucking globe. Until I can handle it and I'm used to it. She might be the smartest person I've ever known.



I've formulated a plan, at least initially, to try and meet some initial goals. It's New Years Day, by the way. The sun is cold.



1. Go on the patch for an indefinite amount of time. No more smoking, ever. When I turn 70 I can start again if I want to.

2. No eating between meals. I can eat 10,000 calories in the meal, but no eating between them.

3. Get some kind of exercise every day. Run for six hours or do 5 sit-ups, whatever. Just get some every day.

4. Look at / catch up my bank register every day. Every day.

5. Do the biweekly finances with Kevin every payday. Every payday.

6. Play the bass most days.

7. Do some writing most days.



I'll build on these as I go along, but I've gotta take some goddam baby steps. I'm sick of failing. FTW.



OK, writing about this is making me cranky. Now I want to pay homage to an amazing woman and actor, Margaret Hamilton. Yeah, Judy Garland could sing and was the heroine, but Margaret Hamilton is the scariest and most iconic witch of all times. Period. Peerless. It must have been so fun to play the Wicked Witch of the West, especially back then. What a brilliant actor. Well done.

Area Personality

The whole thing about the name... It's a joke, right?

"Area Personality"

I've been using it for a while and, like all my jokes, anyone with a sub-110 IQ doesn't get it, or they find it off-putting.

Just read the Onion, ok? Every headline or story includes "area man," "area woman," "area dog," "area mechanic," etc. Like newspapers did in olden times. It's a gag.

So, I wear many hats. I'm a Mom, an IT Exec, an art and music jerk, a bass player in the Sleazestaxx (perhaps he least-known band on the planet), a friend, a Catholic, and lots of other things. One thing that I try to keep consistent while carrying out all these various duties is to maintain a sense of humor and keep people smiling / laughing.

This is all the explaining I'm going to do. If you don't get it, you can just piss off.

The other thing that is consistent about me is that I'm chronically hostile. Also I quit smoking today.

Thor's Zinger of the Day

Current mood :  tired

 

Me: Hey Thor, wanna go to McDonald's?
Thor: Old McDonald's?

Two Months Later...

Current mood:  okay

 

God, this is so overdue, but for anyone out there who doesn't know, baby Fiasco came into the world on February 8 at 3:08 pm. (I couldn't keep calling him Connie forever! Plus I like the Latin flair.) Just like Thor, he was 9 weeks early. Here he is!

Once again Liza swooped in from Charleston to help a sista out. Thanks Liza! Here are some pictures from the hospital


Here he is with Grandma in the hospital. It's about time I got on the bus and had at least one picture of Grandma on myspace. I think she is the most featured person in all of myspace photos.


And here he is meeting big brother Thor for the first time. Margaret dressed him up like Justin Timberlake. Awesome.

He weighed in at 3 pounds and 2.54 ounces. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital and came home finally on St. Patrick's Day. Which turns out to be an odd thing because every day he looks more like a leprechaun. I already have him enrolled in the Seminary as a matter of fact. How, how, how do I have a red headed baby? Can someone please tell me?
Anyway, here he is at home, in his Gentleman's Dressing Gown.

And here he is after his first bath at home, several weeks later.

He weighed in at 6 pounds 12 ounces today!
And just for kicks, here's Thor throwing back a bottle of Guinness.

Special, Special, Special thanks to:
PATSY for so many things. Helping to bankroll this project while I was unemployed. Watching Thor all the time, at my house and hers. Bringing him up to see me. Helping clean my house. New furniture, jammies, and other things I needed. THANK YOU!!!
GRANDMA for putting up with me while I was recovering at Mom's house. I'm sorry I was such a miserable pain in the ass! And also for cooking for me and being so sweet to me while I was in the middle of the greatest meltdown known to mankind.
JOHN HILL for watching the animals, cleaning my house, trimming the hedges, watching Thor, digging out my patio, the other yard and gutter work, and driving me around all over the place.
MARGARET for keeping Thor and dressing him up like Justin Timberlake.
DAD for the flowers and for helping fix my house and yard.
LIZA again for not only being my birth partner but also for helping to keep me sane. It would be a bloodspew without you.
DAWG for helping me with Thor, doing dishes and laundry, and for encouraging my urge to kill. Thanks for letting me know there can always be a bloodspew if we just want it hard enough.
THOMAS for all the food and all the help around the house and car! And for keeping me company.
JONAH for helping me out with Thor and for the moral support.
CECILIA for the food and helping with Thor.
DANIELLE for the hospital visit, food, and listening to me bitch endlessly.
DONNA and MICKEY for helping with Thor and the house!
BLAYNE, CRISSY, PENELOPE, PATTY, and others for being my out-of-town support network.
EVERYONE ELSE for being so helpful with moral support!
You guys are all so great! Give yourselves a hand! We did it!