the ties that bind

Thor decided that we would celebrate my first Mother's Day today by screaming his guts out for like seven hours straight for no apparent reason. I think he has a tummy ache, who can say...
Being a single mom is kind of weird, in a lot of different ways. I had some pretty bad postpartum depression after the baby was born, I may have blogged about it at some point, but it cleared up in a few days and everything was fine. But, during that time, I was constantly overwhelmed with emotion. One day when I was at the hospital, I was just sitting there, crying, looking at poor little Thor all wrapped up in his incubator. I was struck with anxiety suddenly, thinking, "What have I done?" I thought about this new life I had created. I had often during my pregnancy thought about how wonderful it would be when he was born, and how awesome it would be, me and Thor against the world, but suddenly it occurred to me...
What happens when it's just Thor against the world?
How would it be when I was gone? Would he appreciate having no immediate family for the second half of his life? Or, who knows what can happen, and God forbid, but maybe even earlier?
I immediately came back to reality and started thinking the comforting thoughts of my very large extended family, and that Thor is not going to be strapped onto my chest forever. He will grow, make friends, have lovers, maybe even his own family some day. Meantime, maybe he might even have a sibling at some point, some kind of father or father figure, who knows. I felt better soon.
About a month ago, my nephew Alex (who will be 13 this week) came into town with his best friend from home. They stayed at my house one night and got into all kinds of trouble, destroying things, skating all over the neighborhood, being normal tough little kids. I understand kids that age pretty well; it all seemed okay to me. Patsy was unusually troubled by their behavior, for no apparent reason other than she felt that Alex was ignoring her feelings by trashing some of her belongings and a present she had bought for him.
A week ago today, Alex's best friend hung himself. My sister called us during the week to say that his mother had decided to allow him to be an organ donor and was terminating life support. She said that the little boy had been apparently very troubled and had been abandoned by his father early on. Alex and his family attended the funeral this week and the school is providing counseling for all the kids who were close to the little boy.
Lastnight Patsy and Nancy came in from a night of partying to find a baby possum in the kitchen. They freaked out and swept it out the door. This morning I saw it creeping around outside the deck, looking lost and bewildered. No mother in sight, it was all pink with silver hair, about the size of a rat.
So today, I am giving all thanks to God for my screaming, possessed little bundle of whatever. He's screaming again now and I'm going to go upstairs and cuddle him with all my might. If your Mommy is still with you, or you have your own babies to cuddle, bless your heart and get busy loving them right now. Today is dedicated to all of the babies that have lost their mommies, and to all the mommies who have lost their babes.

send help

Patsy asked me yesterday if I still love Thor after being cooped up with him at my house, day and night, tending to his every need.
My response? I think I am developing Stockholm Syndrome. Basically, it is a condition in which a prisoner / hostage / kidnapped person falls in love with or begins to feel extreme feelings of loyalty to his or her captor.
Can you blame me? Really? Just look at us, for crying out loud.

boring is good. boring is good. boring is good.

Current mood:bored

Random shit...
I have single-handedly Africanized the carpenter bees. I don't know how. They are now just dive-bombing me and ramming their stingerless asses into me at full speed.
The other night my brother saw some police cars driving around really fast without lights on, so he asked one of them about it the next day. They said there was a prowler in the neighborhood, so we are now on full lock-down. But it made me think... a prowler? Is this still what we are calling these people? Prowlers? Are we sure it's not a cat-burgular? Or a vagabond? A neer-do-well? A rapscallion?
Thor is 5 pounds 7 ounces now, almost double his birth weight. He also has a blonde spot in his hair. Hmmm. I wonder what that means. He is totally living up to his name, though, he is strong as fuck! He can do 1/4 turns and almost hold his head up. His pediatrician was freaking out.
Can someone tell me what is up with all the brothers on tiny motorcycles these days? Is this a preview of summer? You know what I'm talking about. Is it a trend, or is it like the Indian families and their taupe Honda Odysseys? Permanent?
I am now addicted to the freak shows on TLC. Yes, everyone needs to learn about medical anomalies, that really IS learning. It reminded me of one type of Maury that I failed to mention, the freakshow parade, but those are getting more rare these days. I think I love Maury because it makes me feel so normal. Thank God I am back out of work and able to see it every day. Thrice!
God, I am so bored... I am super busy all the time, but there's only so much mental exercise one can get out of changing diapers and fretting about breast milk. And Thor is only awake for me to coo over for a few hours a day. Maybe I will start listening to books on tape.

That's what *he* said

Current mood:giggly

Tonight I was humming my son to sleep at the hospital.
Nurse: Ms. R-------
Me: Yes?
Nurse: I'm gonna pay you to come to my house and sing me to sleep every night. Hearing you is so soothing.
Me: Aww, thank you. You're very kind.
Nurse: You're an excellent hummer.

you don't know me

Current mood:uncomfortable

Is it wrong that I'm checking out the dads in the newborn nurseries? Is that so bad, really? Hell. The way I see it, certain men seem to dig leaving their women right after having a baby, so like, they could double their pleasure by leaving their baby's mama, then get with me, then leave me too. The offer is on the table, boys.
On another note, tonight the nurses had Thor dressed like Chairman Mao. Either that or they enrolled him in Le Cordon Bleu, because that hat was off the chain.

baby's first playlist

God I got so much blogging to catch up on. But for the past month things have been hectic and crazy. Thor is almost a month old! Damn!
Tonight Patsy notified me that everyone is planning to continue calling him Thor even though that's only baby's first alias.
So, twice a day, once at noon and once at 9 pm, I go up to the hospital to spend time with Thor. Now we are practicing breastfeeding, but all along we have been doing "kangaroo care", which is this special thing you're supposed to do with preemies where they lie naked on your bare chest under blankets and your clothes. You're encouraged to talk and vocalize normally since it is a sound they are used to from their pre-partum days. So, I hum to him all the time as my vocalizations are almost always melodious. Hell yes. So, here's his playlist and why...
I went on a kick while I was pregnant of listening to Blur's greatest hits for a long time, so from that, we have:
Beetlebum
This is a Low
No Distance Left to Run
I also am known to belt out Neutral Milk Hotel when it's playing, which is totally apt because it's all about fucked up family stuff, so add:
Oh Conley
Two Headed Boy
Then the jazz / show tunes / easy listening standards that are from college or some other part of my vocal repertoire that I sing sometimes and that make for good humming:
Night and Day
Do I Love You
My Funny Valentine
Don't it Make My Brown Eyes Blue
Hopelessly Devoted to You
I Only Have Eyes for You
Someone to Watch Over Me
Misty
There's lots of other stuff I've tried to include, but it really all hit home to me that so much of pop and rock does not make for good humming. Too monotonous! I can't wait to get him home so he knows what the rest of the arrangement sounds like. Wish us luck!
PS: Million Dollar Baby is the worst movie ever.

Thor the nonconformist

He makes his own rules. Like, "Fuck my due date, I wanna be out by St. Patrick's Day. I ain't no got-dang Taurus bitches."
Here he is. Born 3/5/06, 2 lbs. 15.8 oz., 15 inches long. He'll be in the hospital for the next 4-7 weeks. Wish us luck!