Monday, January 23, 2006

Patsy's Zinger of the Day

Patsy is my Mom. This conversation took place in her car a few days ago.
PATSY: Well, I just can't wait. I have never been this excited over one of the grandkids.
ME: Oh yeah? Why?
PATSY: Because I just can't wait to see if he's Jewish or what.
OK, I hate to be a comedy deconstructionist, so I'm not going to tell you all eighteen reasons why this particular zinger made me snarf my organic skim milk, but for starters, Thor definitely falls into the "or what" category. Secondly, why oh why when my Mom is picturing the guy who carelessly knocks me up and then bails does she picture a Jew? Can someone tell me? I mean, I don't want to generalize or be a racist or whatever, but come on, I think the last time a Jewish guy was suspected of something like this, um, Jesus was born?

The Juan Cruz Experience

Current mood:sleepy
Over Thanksgiving, my sister Margaret married a guy she had been dating for three weeks. His name is Juan Cruz and he's a cop. She has two kids and was ultra motivated to get married. So, she basically refused to put out until they got married and guess what ladies? It worked. They ran off to Gatlinburg two days after Thanksgiving and tied the knot. Forever.
So, my initial reaction involved lots of eye rolling and anxiety, as you can imagine. He seemed like a polite enough guy. Polite enough to be, let's say, a child-beating cop, or an internet porn junkie or some other miserable bullshit. My thoughts kept going, "Please, God, just let him be a decent guy. He doesn't have to be great, just let him be good to my sister and the kids. He can have tons of flaws, just no fatal ones. Please."
Then he invited my whole family over to his place for dinner on Christmas Eve, where he had prepared a huge Puerto Rican feast. This included a giant yummy marinated pork roast and that crazy yellow rice you sometimes see. Man, he can cook, for sure. Then on Christmas morning he showed up with my sister at Dad's place (the whole family in pajamas) and videotaped the whole thing. Plus he had these great overreactions to all of his presents that were at once hilarious and genuine. Like someone got him the Mr. and Mrs. Smith DVD and he yelled out, "YES! MR. AND MRS. SMITH! WITH DELETED SCENES!" We had great fun.
So every time I see Juan Cruz I like him more and more. My niece was initially kind of freaked out at her new stepdad, as you can imagine, but yesterday I heard her *brag* to someone, "I have a stepdad!" in that braggy tone that kindergarten kids sometimes get. My thoughts have changed now to a definite, "Please, God, don't let Margaret screw this up."
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