Friday, March 3, 2006


Current mood:tired
I can remember a time when the Maury show was an actual talk show, similar to when Oprah was a real talk show or kind of like Dr. Phil is now. He would have a couple or a family or something on and talk to them for an hour. Or maybe he would have 2 or 3 family groupings on that all had the same problem and spend 20 minutes talking to each, wrapping them up together, sometimes getting a shrink on to help them out. Often, the climax of the show would come after the very last commercial when he would reveal the results of a paternity or lie detector test. And it would be satisfying because of the emotional investment I had made in Maury's guests at that point. They were real people.
So today is the 12th day I have been in the hospital. My blood pressure is a little higher, but all the other symptoms are still very mild and under conrol. The doctor who came today said that the baby has been growing better since I've been on bedrest, so that's good news. Tomorrow I will be 31 weeks pregnant (40 is full-term), so every day I manage to stay in here is better for Thor. Yesterday I turned 34 years old in my little pathetic hospital bed, but I'm doing a lot better resisting self-pity. No one has offered me a psych. consult in 2 days. So, things are looking up!
But, in these 12 days I have become hooked on Maury, mainly because I find the evolution that has taken place in the past few years astounding. There are now five types of Maury shows. Please allow me to demarcate.
1. Paternity tests. Instead of spending a tearful hour with some middle-class family, culminating in the results of the paternity test for one or more of the kinderen, there are now like 12 of these in an hour. And the people... I don't have any idea where these types of people come from... trailer parks? the ghetto? It's just 5 minutes of, "I sorry baby I cheated on you" "What? You bitch!" "And little Deshawndra may not be yours" "NOOO! OH GOD!" and panic ensues for a minute and then Maury says, "Well, the results are in... In the case of 6-month-old Deshawndra... Tyrell... You are NOT THE FATHER!" Then the mother or Tyrell or both run backstage in shame screaming NOOOOOO. They do this 12 times in an hour.
2. Lie detector test results. Repeat the scenario above, except with the following dialogue. "Mary Luella thinks Tyrell may be cheating on her with her sister. We asked Tyrell if he has ever had sex with Mary Luella's sister and he said no. The lie detector determined that was a lie MORE THAN 50 TIMES. We also asked if he had ever given her sister a reverse pile driver in front of her three-year-old daughter and potbellied pig. Tyrell said no, and the lie detector determined that was a lie MORE THAN 30 TIMES." Someone yells NOOOO and runs backstage. Repeat 12 times.
3. Sexy crushes revealed. Bring someone out, tell them someone has a crush on them, give them some clues, and then bring out the crush and watch the reactions. Sometimes they bring out a really fat chick first just to make the dude nervous. Oh Maury! What a fun way to throw him off and boost the morale of the fat losers watching your show at the same time! Repeat 12 times.
4. The tranny show. I kid you not, one day I was watching Telemundo and I could not believe that they actually had a show called "Hombre o Mujer" where the audience guessed if the heavenly creature they brought out was a man or a woman. I remember thinking, man, what is up in Miami? Thank GOD American television has not come to this yet. Then a week later I saw the same damn thing on Maury. Sigh.
5. Unrelated but really interesting video clips. In one hour, you will see car accidents, convenience store hold-ups (and hold-up bloopers), explosions, police chases, cheaters, things perverts caught on film, animal attacks, bathing suit malfunctions, whatever. He has on like 5 people who each host a segment of loosely related things.
There is not a day that goes by that I am not terribly tempted to call 1-800-45MAURY and try to get on the show.

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