Oh right, also it's New Year's Day! New Year, New Me. (grooooooaaaaaan)
I quit smoking today, so there's the first thing. I'm on the patch, and so far, so good. Oh yeah except I feel awful and I can't write for shit. But see the thing is, I have high blood pressure and I've been sick with a cold for 2 months, and I'm so tired of it. I've been told quitting smoking could help. See, that's a writing device called understatement. Funny.
Also I'm morbidly obese. I'm not afraid to write it publicly because anyone who knows me would have to be blind to not notice that. I've sort of come to terms with the social ramifications; I mean, not everyone finds voluptuous women repulsive, honestly. There's been no lack of play, ever. I can poke fun at myself, etc. I've been overweight almost my entire life, from toddlerhood on. The problem is that heart disease is looming and I have two tiny little boys. I want to be around when they are my age, and at this rate, I won't. No chance. My good friend Sally stated it best (right after I explained how at ease I am with myself) when she said, "There are no obese 70-year-olds". And she's right.
Oh and to make matters worse, at my last appointment my doctor told me I am borderline diabetic. Great.
So, there's all this shit, tons of emotional baggage and reasons behind the things I'm unhappy with in my life, and I've gone through literally decades of thinking and reasoning and understanding why, but the bottom line is that it all needs to change. I asked my shrink how. This is not the first time I've asked a mental health professional, btw. To paraphrase, he said I understand it intellectually, probably better than he does or many other mental health folks, but it's not a matter of intellect. I wandered away with a big question mark over my head, and then Bridget explained that I need to just become a robot. Just fucking do it like every other loser on the fucking globe. Until I can handle it and I'm used to it. She might be the smartest person I've ever known.
I've formulated a plan, at least initially, to try and meet some initial goals. It's New Years Day, by the way. The sun is cold.
1. Go on the patch for an indefinite amount of time. No more smoking, ever. When I turn 70 I can start again if I want to.
2. No eating between meals. I can eat 10,000 calories in the meal, but no eating between them.
3. Get some kind of exercise every day. Run for six hours or do 5 sit-ups, whatever. Just get some every day.
4. Look at / catch up my bank register every day. Every day.
5. Do the biweekly finances with Kevin every payday. Every payday.
6. Play the bass most days.
7. Do some writing most days.
I'll build on these as I go along, but I've gotta take some goddam baby steps. I'm sick of failing. FTW.
OK, writing about this is making me cranky. Now I want to pay homage to an amazing woman and actor, Margaret Hamilton. Yeah, Judy Garland could sing and was the heroine, but Margaret Hamilton is the scariest and most iconic witch of all times. Period. Peerless. It must have been so fun to play the Wicked Witch of the West, especially back then. What a brilliant actor. Well done.