Fail

I failed everything today. I figure my time was due. Four days is a pretty big commitment.

So Kevs is for sure losing his job now and I once again feel completely incapable. No bass playing. I ate about 7 pounds of chips and cheese when I went for a drink with Ed, which was in fact 3 drinks followed by a cigarette. With the patch on. No cleaning. I actually simply forgot to check my bank account because I knew I had not done anything in it. No exercise.

Kevs is my man. He's a dear, sweet man. But to be completely honest, he has some issues. It takes him a long time to do everything. He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. He has a massive work ethic and a very high ethical standard. There's just something very wrong, and sadly, I know it will take hima long time to get a steady job again. And it will take me a lot of work to help him. for which I will get no credit. I know, I should be primarily concerned for Kevs, and I'm trying. But when he's out of work it's me and the children who suffer. I'm irritated. No more drinking for me for a while. I can't stay off the cigs if I'm too tipsy.

Grrrrrr

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Starts With a Single Something

See, I think the bottom line is that I'm not convinced that 'little by little' ever actually gets you anywhere. I guess we'll see. I won't know until I try I suppose. I made a spreadsheet. I'm trying to keep it all very simple. Low overhead is the name of the game. Actually when I was pregnant with my younger son I kept this little written journal in which I wrote down all the good things I had done that day. It helped, but the goals were pretty different. Simply put, this is all about

GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER ON THE GRAND SCHEME.

I have certain battles in life. Everyone does. If I keep letting them go on and on without getting better, they will overcome me, and I will lose the war. I will die early, and broke, and etc.

So, become a robot. Form good habits.

I took a long walk today at lunch time. It was nice. I have the feeling I will sleep like a coma victim tonight. Not sure if I can do it again tomorrow, but I think I should be able to. I need more music, and more rocking music. I need more jams I can sink my teeth into and forget that I'm in motion.

Oh and hey if I can't do it tomorrow, FTW. I'll do something else. As long as I do something I'll be ok. And yes, laundry counts. It doesn't count as both cleaning and exercise, but it can count as exercise because folding a week's worth of laundry for 4 is no fucking joke.

I can't believe I'm somebody's Mom.

Richer. Thinner. Healthier.

Oh right, also it's New Year's Day! New Year, New Me. (grooooooaaaaaan)



I quit smoking today, so there's the first thing. I'm on the patch, and so far, so good. Oh yeah except I feel awful and I can't write for shit. But see the thing is, I have high blood pressure and I've been sick with a cold for 2 months, and I'm so tired of it. I've been told quitting smoking could help. See, that's a writing device called understatement. Funny.



Also I'm morbidly obese. I'm not afraid to write it publicly because anyone who knows me would have to be blind to not notice that. I've sort of come to terms with the social ramifications; I mean, not everyone finds voluptuous women repulsive, honestly. There's been no lack of play, ever. I can poke fun at myself, etc. I've been overweight almost my entire life, from toddlerhood on. The problem is that heart disease is looming and I have two tiny little boys. I want to be around when they are my age, and at this rate, I won't. No chance. My good friend Sally stated it best (right after I explained how at ease I am with myself) when she said, "There are no obese 70-year-olds". And she's right.

Oh and to make matters worse, at my last appointment my doctor told me I am borderline diabetic. Great.

So, there's all this shit, tons of emotional baggage and reasons behind the things I'm unhappy with in my life, and I've gone through literally decades of thinking and reasoning and understanding why, but the bottom line is that it all needs to change. I asked my shrink how. This is not the first time I've asked a mental health professional, btw. To paraphrase, he said I understand it intellectually, probably better than he does or many other mental health folks, but it's not a matter of intellect. I wandered away with a big question mark over my head, and then Bridget explained that I need to just become a robot. Just fucking do it like every other loser on the fucking globe. Until I can handle it and I'm used to it. She might be the smartest person I've ever known.



I've formulated a plan, at least initially, to try and meet some initial goals. It's New Years Day, by the way. The sun is cold.



1. Go on the patch for an indefinite amount of time. No more smoking, ever. When I turn 70 I can start again if I want to.

2. No eating between meals. I can eat 10,000 calories in the meal, but no eating between them.

3. Get some kind of exercise every day. Run for six hours or do 5 sit-ups, whatever. Just get some every day.

4. Look at / catch up my bank register every day. Every day.

5. Do the biweekly finances with Kevin every payday. Every payday.

6. Play the bass most days.

7. Do some writing most days.



I'll build on these as I go along, but I've gotta take some goddam baby steps. I'm sick of failing. FTW.



OK, writing about this is making me cranky. Now I want to pay homage to an amazing woman and actor, Margaret Hamilton. Yeah, Judy Garland could sing and was the heroine, but Margaret Hamilton is the scariest and most iconic witch of all times. Period. Peerless. It must have been so fun to play the Wicked Witch of the West, especially back then. What a brilliant actor. Well done.

Area Personality

The whole thing about the name... It's a joke, right?

"Area Personality"

I've been using it for a while and, like all my jokes, anyone with a sub-110 IQ doesn't get it, or they find it off-putting.

Just read the Onion, ok? Every headline or story includes "area man," "area woman," "area dog," "area mechanic," etc. Like newspapers did in olden times. It's a gag.

So, I wear many hats. I'm a Mom, an IT Exec, an art and music jerk, a bass player in the Sleazestaxx (perhaps he least-known band on the planet), a friend, a Catholic, and lots of other things. One thing that I try to keep consistent while carrying out all these various duties is to maintain a sense of humor and keep people smiling / laughing.

This is all the explaining I'm going to do. If you don't get it, you can just piss off.

The other thing that is consistent about me is that I'm chronically hostile. Also I quit smoking today.

Thor's Zinger of the Day

Current mood :  tired

 

Me: Hey Thor, wanna go to McDonald's?
Thor: Old McDonald's?

Two Months Later...

Current mood:  okay

 

God, this is so overdue, but for anyone out there who doesn't know, baby Fiasco came into the world on February 8 at 3:08 pm. (I couldn't keep calling him Connie forever! Plus I like the Latin flair.) Just like Thor, he was 9 weeks early. Here he is!

Once again Liza swooped in from Charleston to help a sista out. Thanks Liza! Here are some pictures from the hospital


Here he is with Grandma in the hospital. It's about time I got on the bus and had at least one picture of Grandma on myspace. I think she is the most featured person in all of myspace photos.


And here he is meeting big brother Thor for the first time. Margaret dressed him up like Justin Timberlake. Awesome.

He weighed in at 3 pounds and 2.54 ounces. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital and came home finally on St. Patrick's Day. Which turns out to be an odd thing because every day he looks more like a leprechaun. I already have him enrolled in the Seminary as a matter of fact. How, how, how do I have a red headed baby? Can someone please tell me?
Anyway, here he is at home, in his Gentleman's Dressing Gown.

And here he is after his first bath at home, several weeks later.

He weighed in at 6 pounds 12 ounces today!
And just for kicks, here's Thor throwing back a bottle of Guinness.

Special, Special, Special thanks to:
PATSY for so many things. Helping to bankroll this project while I was unemployed. Watching Thor all the time, at my house and hers. Bringing him up to see me. Helping clean my house. New furniture, jammies, and other things I needed. THANK YOU!!!
GRANDMA for putting up with me while I was recovering at Mom's house. I'm sorry I was such a miserable pain in the ass! And also for cooking for me and being so sweet to me while I was in the middle of the greatest meltdown known to mankind.
JOHN HILL for watching the animals, cleaning my house, trimming the hedges, watching Thor, digging out my patio, the other yard and gutter work, and driving me around all over the place.
MARGARET for keeping Thor and dressing him up like Justin Timberlake.
DAD for the flowers and for helping fix my house and yard.
LIZA again for not only being my birth partner but also for helping to keep me sane. It would be a bloodspew without you.
DAWG for helping me with Thor, doing dishes and laundry, and for encouraging my urge to kill. Thanks for letting me know there can always be a bloodspew if we just want it hard enough.
THOMAS for all the food and all the help around the house and car! And for keeping me company.
JONAH for helping me out with Thor and for the moral support.
CECILIA for the food and helping with Thor.
DANIELLE for the hospital visit, food, and listening to me bitch endlessly.
DONNA and MICKEY for helping with Thor and the house!
BLAYNE, CRISSY, PENELOPE, PATTY, and others for being my out-of-town support network.
EVERYONE ELSE for being so helpful with moral support!
You guys are all so great! Give yourselves a hand! We did it!

scorecard and the oh eight

Current mood:optimistic

Let's hearken back to a simpler time, shall we?
A time of innocence and freedom, in which I used to aspire to simple things. About a year ago I blogged some New Year's resolutions and I'm here to say that despite 2007 being the biggest clusterfuck of a year I could ever possibly hope for, I really did give it a half-assed try. Let's see how well she did, ok? In case there were one or two things that you haven't JUDGED ME on yet...
1. Combine my many, many IRA's. - Yes! I did this! And so much more! I got a financial panther, she set up a rollover account for me, and now I am just waiting to get the last 2 checks to put into it! Yes!
2. Fix the tax situation. - Holy shit! I did this one too! I'm even doing some tax planning for this year and the coming one!
3. Boost the boy out of the 25th% for motor skills. Hopefully upwards. - Score! Yes! He was at the 55th% when we last checked in the summer! He has another check-up the end of January, but I have no doubt he will rock it.
4. Get all of the animals to the vet at least once. - Oh, no, didn't do this one. Only got Astrid to the vet and she wiped me out. Everyone else is perfectly healthy. Need to get the Chi in there next, but I don't know how much final arrangements for Astrid will be (Oh but btw, fuck yes she is still kicking it for the moment!). So, I only got 25% of that one.
5. Eat more lasagne. - Check and double check.
6. Get a better job. - Oh my Sweet Jesus Yes! I am so good at this. Changed jobs in September. While gestating even.
7. Put vegetables in everything. - Mmmm, no. Didn't even make much of an effort at it. I have been a little better about it since growing a fetus, but I barely deserve any credit for that. Maybe another 25% here.
8. Get back on the rocks. - Not at all. Not even once.
9. Stay moist. - Yep, I am drowning in Geyser Springs over here.
10. No more IM. You don't have to know what it stands for. - Kept that resolution, completely. Never again.
So, all this adds up to a 75%. Not too shabby. A very half-assed accomplishment on my part if I do say so myself!
So what shall we aspire to in the '08?
There is one and only one thing, and it is this:
Stop swearing.
Oh fucking hell, I know, I know, I KNOW!!! But the other day I know Thor was trying to say the S word, and it is just so goddam trashy. I went to Harvard for fuck's sake and these are the best words I can come up with? And what if it's true that God gets pissed when you use the GD word, huh? That's the last kinda bullshit I need. Shit.
So, I have a year. I would love tips from anyone who has attempted this before. My first piece of strategery is to start using words that are hilarious substitutions much more often. Words like:
* bo-deggit
* TS, BS, and PO'd (but only with extreme anger)
* for cripe's sake
* shoot (with extreme southern accent)
* good gravy
* GAH!
And many others. You tell me. Which ones do you love most? Yeah, this will work.
(I am so. Fucking. Fucked.)