the ties that bind

Thor decided that we would celebrate my first Mother's Day today by screaming his guts out for like seven hours straight for no apparent reason. I think he has a tummy ache, who can say...
Being a single mom is kind of weird, in a lot of different ways. I had some pretty bad postpartum depression after the baby was born, I may have blogged about it at some point, but it cleared up in a few days and everything was fine. But, during that time, I was constantly overwhelmed with emotion. One day when I was at the hospital, I was just sitting there, crying, looking at poor little Thor all wrapped up in his incubator. I was struck with anxiety suddenly, thinking, "What have I done?" I thought about this new life I had created. I had often during my pregnancy thought about how wonderful it would be when he was born, and how awesome it would be, me and Thor against the world, but suddenly it occurred to me...
What happens when it's just Thor against the world?
How would it be when I was gone? Would he appreciate having no immediate family for the second half of his life? Or, who knows what can happen, and God forbid, but maybe even earlier?
I immediately came back to reality and started thinking the comforting thoughts of my very large extended family, and that Thor is not going to be strapped onto my chest forever. He will grow, make friends, have lovers, maybe even his own family some day. Meantime, maybe he might even have a sibling at some point, some kind of father or father figure, who knows. I felt better soon.
About a month ago, my nephew Alex (who will be 13 this week) came into town with his best friend from home. They stayed at my house one night and got into all kinds of trouble, destroying things, skating all over the neighborhood, being normal tough little kids. I understand kids that age pretty well; it all seemed okay to me. Patsy was unusually troubled by their behavior, for no apparent reason other than she felt that Alex was ignoring her feelings by trashing some of her belongings and a present she had bought for him.
A week ago today, Alex's best friend hung himself. My sister called us during the week to say that his mother had decided to allow him to be an organ donor and was terminating life support. She said that the little boy had been apparently very troubled and had been abandoned by his father early on. Alex and his family attended the funeral this week and the school is providing counseling for all the kids who were close to the little boy.
Lastnight Patsy and Nancy came in from a night of partying to find a baby possum in the kitchen. They freaked out and swept it out the door. This morning I saw it creeping around outside the deck, looking lost and bewildered. No mother in sight, it was all pink with silver hair, about the size of a rat.
So today, I am giving all thanks to God for my screaming, possessed little bundle of whatever. He's screaming again now and I'm going to go upstairs and cuddle him with all my might. If your Mommy is still with you, or you have your own babies to cuddle, bless your heart and get busy loving them right now. Today is dedicated to all of the babies that have lost their mommies, and to all the mommies who have lost their babes.